The Bean Story

Now us McColes, we're all a bunch of tight arses… to put it bluntly. One day, around about a year ago, my local IGA had Heinz Baked Beans for half price at 99 cents, down from two dollars. So I saw this and I thought to myself "Alright! Fantastic." As a result I proceeded to buy 10 cans of said Baked Beans, stocking up and future proofing myself. Later that afternoon my dad called in for a visit for whatever reason it was. He noticed I had recently acquired a large range of Heinz Baked Beans and said to me “Woah Callum why do you have so many baked beans?”

“Well Dad, I’m glad you asked! Guess what, they were half price. 99 cents. So I thought I’d stock up.” I watched my Dad’s face lighten up.
“WHAAAAAT 99 CENTS! THAT’S HELL GOOD. WHY DIDN’T YOU BUY HEAPS!?”
“Well… I kinna did?”
“No you didn’t. Look… if I gave you TWENTY bucks would you go down there and by me 20 cans of baked beans.”
Obediently and towards a common goal I replied “Yeah okay, sure.”
After several seconds of noticing my Dad rummage around his wallet, he paused and looked at me. “Ah oh, I only have a fifty.”
Not a problem. I reached down into my pocket and grabbed my wallet out. “That’s okay, I’ve got some change.”
His face shifted, stern and proud. “No.”
Confused I asked. “No?”
And with but a doubt in his voice, he looked me dead in the eyes and said “No Callum. If I gave you FIFTY bucks would you go down to IGA and buy me fifty cans of baked beans.”
Unsure whether or not to take him seriously, I replied “Aaaah. I guess?”

Not long after I made my journey down to the local IGA. This was back before I had my license, so I had no choice but to walk. I knew what had to be done, I was there for a reason, I was on a mission… To the Baked Bean Isle I went! As I arrived, I noticed several people walk past and think to themselves “Ooh, oh look. Those baked beans are on sale half price for 99 cents. That’s great! Better grab me some.” And then place three or four into their trolley.

Pathetic. Pitiful. Weak. Get out of my way. I parked myself there on the ground, loading all of my carry bags and baskets into a practical yet comfortable position. Without a moment’s hesitation I began, claiming them all as mine. 5 flavours, 10 of each, I loaded them into my bags and making sure I had the correct amount.


50. No more, no less.
50 Shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be, 50.


My work here was done. Excited with what I had achieved I propelled myself back onto my feet, only to release a rather well-mannered grunt as I failed to calculate how much 50 cans of baked beans would weigh. Struggling to carry my cargo, I waddled my way to the checkout. They stopped and looked at me. Confused, shocked and full of disbelief when they thought “But how could one be such a tight arse?”

The Alpha Jew.

One by one, I loaded every single can of baked beans onto the till. The 14 year old bimbo looked at me, unsure of what to think. If only she knew how to respond, they didn’t teach her this in her Year 9 ‘Caring for Kids’ or ‘Fun with Fabrics.’ I looked her dead in the eyes. “Just the Baked Beans for today thanks.” Slowly but surely she made her way through them all. “That’s $49.50 thank you.”

Damn. If only I had bought 100, I would have gotten one for free.

After the rigorous process of dragging them home. I loaded them all into our cupboard. All 50, plus the 10 I had before. Not long after, my Uncle on my Dad's side came home. He's one of us, a fellow McCole and with him came several bags of  shopping. “Hey Callum, the best thing happened! I was in the IGA and I stumbled across Heinz baked beans, half price for 99 cents! I bought a whole bunch of them, but unfortunately there wasn’t enough of the good flavours left because some wanker took them all. I had to buy mainly the crappy salt reduced ones because that arsehole must have come in and taken all the good ones.” He placed them on the ground about to load them into the cupboard. He opened the doors and there he saw them.  He turned and looked at me, appearing as if he had never been so proud of someone in his entire life. “So that’s where they all went.” Male bonding.

As a result of his contribution we had almost 100 cans of Heinz Baked Beans. Definitely more than your average amount of baked beans. Months and months have since passed, and yet to this day there are still probably some of those crappy salt reduced ones left. Lest we forget.

The end result.